a belated april fools....

so here I am, home, alone, feeling depressed, bored, physically run down and basically on the verge of an emotional breakdown. Thats just part of life in the 21st century, I guess....

But on April 1st, I actively managed to avoid being pranked. Small blessings, because I doubt I would have seen the funny side. I certainly didnt today....

Last night, my sister phoned and asked if I would take my nephew to nursery today. Now given one of the few benefits of unemployment is the right to get up whenever the hell you damn well please, this was a pretty big ask. But, being the nice guy that I fucking try to be, I agreed. So I set my alarm for 7.00am and went to bed. But then an unusual thing happened - I couldnt sleep.

I survive on a solid 8 hours a night - I can handle 7, but it will see me a tad ratty. So last night it gets to midnight and I hit the sack. But I can't get to sleep. Even after two beers and a mild sedative, I am wide awake. I put BBC News 24 on in the back-ground, which normally instantly sends me into a semi-comatose state of relaxed boredom, allowing my mind to wonder to....that place of random thoughts you have just before drifting off. But no, tonight my mind stays interested. I lie on my side, but for some reason I'm finding the Zimbabwe election report engaging and interesting. Then something about a court case involving plane blowing terrorists, just to really calm the nerves. Then a weather presenter who will never progress in his field until he realises that the weather cannot be reported in a way that will attempt to engage the viewer, that the less analysis of the whys and the whats of Scotlands "rain on Friday" the better. He ended it with something like, "In summary then, this weekend will be shit", or words to that effect.

This was going on until 2.00am. I finally slipped into a dreamstate shortly after. I wont bore you with the details of my dream (I cant remember who said it, but the saying goes "only thing more boring than other peoples dreams is other peoples drug experiences" - and they are right), but I will state that this dream involved a "drug experience", which was fucked up beyond belief. Not a pleasent nights kip....

Then at 7.00am my alarm goes off. I struggle to keep my eyes open. My sister wants me to look after her nephew from 7.30am till nursery time, 9.00am. I wait for her to shout down to me, keeping one eye open. I have left the TV on BBC2 all night, and there are now some horrible kids programs on, but I can't bring myself to grab the remote and turn them off. I'll only go back to sleep and never get round to helping big sis. So I lie there, half awake, half asleep, kids TV (which I always find strangely disturbing at the best of times....) blaring in the background, infecting the dreams that I'm having.

Eventually my phone rings. It's 9.30 and my mother wants me to get out job hunting. I tell her about my awful night to little sympathy. I try to get off the phone as I know that the longer I talk the less likely it is I will be getting back to kip. Mum keeps moaning, and I know the game is up....

I lie there watching "The Wright Stuff" (an enjoyable alternative to the nasty Jeremy Kyle show, on Channel 5 - check it if your a lad/laddette of leisure.....) and know that I wont be going back to sleep. My legs are aching now. The day has barely started, and its already fucked....

So thanks big sis, you really "got me this time". I know you'll never read this, and I mentioned I was a little upset on the phone earlier, but what I meant was FUUUUCCCKKKK YOOOOUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!