Hey everyone, hope you are all nursing a nice hangover. Trust me, it could be worse. It could be much WORSE....
Consider being me, for example. I haven't slept. I haven't eaten. I have been on a long, hard trodden self distruct mission since I saw some of you in Reading station last night. I shan't bother you with the details, but it got messy quickly and then went down hill from there. Eeekk!
Anyway, to the point, I come asking for help. A friend of mine, Lef, had work today and despite us using some pretty hardcore peer pressure for him to stay up and continue the session (and call in sick today...) he stuck it out like a trouper and went to sleep at around 3.30. Me, my girlfriend and Lucy (another friend) stayed up all night planning our revenge. And we truly stooped to some seriously low levels. Read on if you dare....
We knew that Lefs alarm was to go at 8am. We went into his room about 2 mins before, with the intent of just staring at him strangely. Unfortunately, our sniggers woke him early and he was far from ammused. Unlike decent people, we decided that the fun was just getting started. Unfortunately, being the only man in the room, I was the only one who could wake him by gently, rhythmically applying my genitalia against the small of his back. Surely he could take that as a joke? Well, unfortunately not. He simply told me to "fuck off" and we took that as all the fuel we needed to take things that bit further....
It was at this point that I started caressing him all over. I am ashamed, truly ashamed, to say that at one point I tried to finger his ring. He was cusing my name to high heavens, at which point I should have stopped. However, being the glutton for punishment that I am, I felt that now was the time to truly denigrate myself to levels of shame for which I can never be truly forgiven. I took two pieces of frozen toast and did a small turd upon one corner. I then attempted to present this to him as "breakfast in bed". He was seriously pissed off by now, but managed to sleep in another 20 minutes. At this point, we were left with a small turd on toast, and no-body willing to share our joke. After about 30 seconds deliberation, we decided to leave the turd on the toilet. In such a fashion that it was sat on top of the seat and lid (which were both down) so that when he needed to go to the toilet, he would need to lift my plate of turd, so that he could raise the lid and seat and have a nice quality piss. I have no idea of what he did in the end to relieve himself, but when we checked the toilet afterward, he had, rather sweetly, left the turd in the precise place we had left it for him.....
After coming out of the shower, he walked in and out of the living room, looking seriously PISSED OFF. We returned the favour by laughing in his face long and hard. In between some serious pangs of guilt, I am still laughing.
But long after the joke has turned into nothing but a distant memory, he will be manefesting a true sense of hatred towards all of us, and worst of all, most specifically me. How can I ever hope to say "sorry"? Seriously, this man is one of my best friends, and I have just showed him nothing but drunken contempt. I am used to having to make some genuine apologies after having consumed one or two many shandies the previous night. In fact, there are lengthy periods of my life which are notable and memorable only for the amount of apologies I have had to make to totally innocent people who have come into contact with me when I am in a sorry state. I don't remember what I said to them, but I sure as hell remember having to apologise the next day (normally with the line "I don't really remember what I did, but I know I was a tit. SORRY!!!").
But this goes beyond words. Please, someone make some helpful suggestions as to how I can make this better. I await your responses with no easy amount of heartfelt trepidation......
Love to all, Jonathon
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